Is it Gods will for me or my will?

“And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.” Colossians 1:9-10 ESV

I often struggle with the thought of why we chose to leave everything that we loved in the States for a less desirable life in another country. Is this my true passion and God’s will for my life or did I feel guilty and motivated after God started revealing this great need to me around the world?

The Great Need: There are still people in the world who have never heard the name of Jesus. There are even more people in the world who know about Christians, but have only experienced them through international news or Hollywood movies in negative ways. In fact, most of the world assumes that these people in the news and in Hollywood movies, are Christians which gives them a terrible view of Jesus and what we believe. 

The Problem Is: 

“And this of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”  Matthew 24:14

Christ cannot return until everyone has at least had an opportunity to hear the Good News. In addition to this, these people who do not know Christ, will have to suffer the eternal wrath of God without even having a chance to know Him.

My Struggle:

I think that I know what my real passion and Spiritual gifts are, but I am afraid that they are selfish. I enjoy being in the States ministering around the community by mentoring and encouraging others while holding mature Christ followers accountable. I also enjoy going on a lot of short term mission trips each year to experience that deep intimacy with God and help fulfill the Great Commission. So, is this "God's Calling" for me or a selfish idea that I want to do? I want to do both while enjoying the pleasures of this life and had this luxury before we gave everything up and moved to Ecuador. My current role in Ecuador does not allow me to use my gifts or passions because that is not what this community currently needs, therefore leading me to question my motives for moving here. I do not question my love for Ecuador or desire to encourage people in other countries, but is this the best and most efficient way that I can glorify God?

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2 ESV   

I believe that God’s will for Christians is to glorify Him in everything that we do by picking up our cross and SURRENDERING, daily, while discerning what God truly wants us to be doing through listening to the Holy Spirit and understanding the Bible. I think I am in the process of testing this theory to confirm it is from God.

The Challenge: 

What if my passions and desires are not what is mostly needed in the world right now? What if my desires or preferred lifestyle is already overflowing with other Christians who have the same gifts as me? I see too many Christians in the States doing what God supposedly called them to do, but that position is overflowing with other Christians. Is God really calling the wealthiest group of people in the world to the same position? Did Jesus die on a cross so that a few people who hand out brochures on Sundays get to spend eternity with God, while over half the world, who are already suffering physically every day, will continue to suffer for eternity because no one came to tell them about Jesus? 

Should I pursue my true calling, (my true passion, my Spiritual gifts) and then seek a specific place where they can be used most effectively (even if that position is already filled)?  

OR

Should I GO where I believe that the need is the greatest (even if it doesn't line up with my passions) and trust that the Holy Spirit will effectively use me as He chooses? If I choose this way, I find peace and fulfillment through my relationship with God and experiencing His miraculous work in others while understanding my eternal destination.

OR

Do I just Go and do what I love to do knowing that as long as my heart and intentions are focused on loving and glorifying God, He will use me and the Holy Spirit will lead me?

I choose all three options! 

How can I be sure I understand what The Holy Spirit is telling me?

How can I truly discern what the Holy Spirit is saying to me versus what my emotions or desires are telling me? I want to be open to the Holy Spirit and listen to Him, but I want to make sure that it is actually Him who is speaking to me and not my emotions or desires. How do I know?  

 One missionary said to his father who was begging his son to stay, “The only way I won’t go is if you go in my place.” 

If I choose not to GO and rather decide to follow my calling, who is going to GO in my place? The harvest needs more workers! It does not need more average Christians who will risk their lives only by greeting people at the door once a week or handing out doughnuts on a planned outreach event once a month. As one Pastor put it, “Jesus is worth far more than that”. 

I believe that those jobs are, for the most part, for new believers who are young in their faith. They love God and want to do whatever they can to help out so they fulfill these roles. When I surrendered, I had no desire to move to another country. I was still recovering from my own sin and old life and just wanted to be a Christian which meant going to church. I had no Godly knowledge to share with others, but I was willing to do anything and started fulfilling the basic roles at church. My help freed up more mature Christians to go and fulfill other needs like mentoring me. Not that their roles were more Godly, but there was a great need in other areas of the church. Peter and the Apostles did not hand out church bulletins for the rest of their life; they assigned that role to others so that they could focus on greater needs. 

My Honest Confession

I would rather be working in the USA while ministering to people around me that God placed in my path. I like providing for my family and not having to rely on others for financial help. I miss my comforts that my work allowed us to enjoy like our vacation trips or eating decent meals. I miss going to church while being able to fellowship with other Christians in small groups. I miss mentoring people in English. I miss living in my own home that I worked hard to pay for. I miss driving my truck and being able to go where I desire instead of being stuck in an overcrowded bus for 10 hours. I miss taking Sophie to fun places and showing her things that I did not have the opportunity to experience as a kid.

However, I am confident that we are supposed to be here and we needed Ecuador more than Ecuador needs us. Although it is tough at times, it is a joy to be in a place where we have to rely on the Holy Spirit because our own abilities are currently of little value. In Ecuador, we have no reputation or identity. We are just goofy looking gringos who speaks bad Spanish. We spent the last 10 years in the States building our identity in our faith and reputation built on Christ as our cornerstone and now we feel like we are starting all over again except for this time, the community does not know us or speak our language. 

I believe that our will is to surrender, trust, and obey; not to complain and decide what situation is best. We will have an opportunity to do that when we return to the States. For now, we will do everything in our power to represent God and Christians to this community through doing what is best for them (not us) to experience eternity.

 Which Is Right? 

The Great Need or my passion? The Bible or my supposed calling? Will these two differences line up with each other so that I can have both or will we have to make a difficult decision between our calling or the Great Need?

“God please tell me what to do and where to go.” “You have?” “I’m sorry, I was not listening.” “Say it again…after I tell you how much I feel called to go to Hawaii.”

Do I make my decision based off of my obligation to God and continue to live for eternity by going to the most needed places? (Hello India!) Or can I do what most Christians do and play both fields: Pursue my true calling and say, “I know there are needs in the world, but God did not call me to fulfill them”. Will I be content with this? If I choose to follow my calling and it leads me to a place overflowing with other Christian workers doing the same thing; Do I truly believe that I heard God correctly and am living for my eternity? 

I believe that it is good to enjoy the things of this world, but it just doesn't make sense for me to be comfortable all the time knowing that people are suffering while I go to heaven and they don’t because I did not do more to reach them. 

Conclusion:

I love missions and believe that it will always be a part of my life. I also think that reaching the nations is one of the biggest needs that Christ followers have to fill. Therefore, my heart feels obligated to go where the biggest need is even if it does not line up with my first passion. However, I believe that my best way to reach the lost and fulfill this Great Need is:

1. From the States, by motivating and equipping other Christians to GO on short-term trips, giving up a year of their life to reach the lost in another country and possibly moving to another country full time.

1. Hold the richest churches in the world accountable in fulfilling the Great Commission and continuing to pursue the lost around the world. 

1. Continue to live in another country encouraging and discipling the local church leaders by preparing and equipping them to be sent out to other parts of their country in order to fulfill the Great Commission.

When we return to the States next year, we will take some time off and pray about our options. We will pray and seek counsel from our mentors about where we should go to glorify God in the most effective way possible. We are confident that we will find true joy by putting God’s will above our personal will and desires while understanding His eternal plan.

At this particular time, I have not been able to discern or figure out which is right. 

I am supposed to be a strong Christian who will risk anything for God, but all I want to do is cuddle up in a nice cabin on a lake and retire while helping others when I choose. 

I cannot hide it…as much as I love God and understand eternity, I still desire earthly things.